Martini Hall of Shame: Tavern on Main

You know what? I probably don’t even have to type out this entry because you saw the image up above there, so you should understand.

Or maybe, your response is:

“Wait a minute. Did he post the wrong image? I distinctly remember seeing a gin and tonic up near the title of this post.”

SCROLL BACK UP; LOOK AGAIN.

Friends, I did not post the wrong image. I will repeat it here, inline, so you may behold this rather amazing(ly bad) response to my request for a dry Hendrick’s martini:

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Your next response should be, “Dear God, Ryan, what did you order? Are you sure you did not order a gin and tonic? With two olives for some unfathomable reason?”

For your information, this is how I order a martini:

  • What gin you do you have?
  • (When the response is inevitably “What gin do you want?” which is a horrible answer that translates to “I don’t care enough about drink orders to memorize the list”) Do you have Hendrick’s?
  • I’ll take a martini with Hendrick’s—extra dry—like desert dry, Sahara—you know what, why don’t you just wave at the vermouth and say “hi” to it instead of putting any in the martini?
  • Don’t shake it.
  • No, really, don’t shake it. Stirred. Yes, stirred.
  • Oh, and two olives, please.

The above is how I ordered the martini at the otherwise moderately OK Tavern on Main for our CrossFit gym’s annual Christmas party. (Open bar = Martini Time.)

Again, this is what I received:

IMG_0331

LET’S COUNT WHAT’S WRONG HERE PLEASE:

  1. That’s a rocks glass, not a martini glass. Hence this is already not a martini. I don’t even need to discus this further, were it not for the fact that—
  2. HOLY HELL THERE IS ICE IN THIS DRINK.
  3. I think we can safely stop there, yes?

So I ordered a dry martini, and what I received in response was basically a glass of iced gin.

Yes, I drank it. Did you really think I was going to let that gin go to waste? I had to drink it rather quickly so as not to end up with a lot of ice melt in my drink, but gin is gin and cold gin is delicious.

I didn’t order another one, though.

Martini Construction, From a Recognized Expert

My colleague and friend, Zé:

For some unfathomable reason, and despite the fact that I have been pouring them down for many years, only lately have I repeatedly been asked for my Dry Martini recipe.

To make it absolutely clear, under normal circumstances I would not share it. However, the prospect of maybe achieving that one less person in this world stops drinking dubious concoctions, ill named after such a noble drink, clearly trumps the dark clouds of resignation hanging over me, as I prepare to reveal a secret that’s dear to my heart.

Post and link to this wherever you can. It deserves some attention (including yours).

(via Everywhere Else.)

See? I Told You the Stuff Was Vile.

Says Tycho from Penny-Arcade:

I purchased twenty fluid ounces of Halo 3 “Limited Edition Mountain Dew Game Fuel” in the hopes that it would taste so horrible that we’d get a strip out of it.  Before I read the ingredients in preparation for this post, I often found myself desirous of this strange liquid – a liquid the precise color of tubercular sputum. I would trip over to Seven Eleven to obtain it, tipping a small portion onto the concrete for the Spartans we lost at Reach. Once I discovered that the soda contained a compound called “Brominated Vegetable Oil,” my ardor was diminished for some reason. The flavor of the beverage is not unpleasant, especially if you like bromide.

I see the stuff all over the place on sale, and I still can’t bring myself to try it again.

Ever.