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How Whoosh Traffic Works, Translated

From the new website for Whoosh Traffic, which I will not link to because I don’t want to encourage them:

Here’s exactly how Whoosh Traffic works:

Sign up, then log in to our easy-to-use control panel and tell us how many links you want to build and which keywords you want to rank for.

“Sign up and let us know what keywords you want us to spam.”

To ensure maximum success for your link building campaign, we manually verify each of your backlink requests. First, we ensure that the keyword you wish to rank for is getting traffic from people typing it in to the search engines. (Nothing worse than being ranked #1 for a keyword no one types in!) We also send you an estimate of how long it will take you to rank for this keyword, and our suggestions on what else you can do to help your site rank better for your selected keyword(s).

“We’ll double-check your keywords against the other keywords we have been hired to create spam for so we can make sure we get all of our spam in order.”

Once we verify your campaign, our expert Backlink Ninjas take over. The Ninjas are full-time Whoosh Traffic employees whose sole job is to go out to other sites online and add your link to them with the proper keywords. Our database is full of thousands of these sites, each of which allow us to create a profile for you with a “do-follow” link back to your site on your profile page.

“Our well-programmed and automated splog, spam forum post, and spam profile creating robots will be programmed to infect the Internet with as many false and misleading websites as possible, all created in locations where we’ve determined the site owners aren’t smart enough to stop spam.

If the robots aren’t available, well, there’s always Mechanical Turk.”

Next, we add your campaign to our rank tracking tool so you can see what rank you have now, and watch your rank improve over time.

As your links are being built, you can check in on the progress in your control panel!

“We make it easy to see how much crap we’re creating on the Internet for you.”

Finally, we add all of the links we have just built to our custom blog network so that search engines find and index your links. We trickle links out over 1-2 weeks so your links will not all be found on the same day, thus ensuring that search engines find a steady flow of new links to your site! As search engines find your links, your ranking will increase.

“We then create posts on our custom-built splogs, making sure we don’t post very often so we aren’t caught as easily for doing something everyone knows is shady, wrong, and annoying.”

•••

I’m assuming it’s just a natural oversight that one of the questions in the FAQ isn’t “Aren’t you referring to spam?”

  1. I made the mistake of signing up for the free trial out of curiosity… Now I’m getting spammed every single day by them to upgrade to a premium account, and there’s absolutely no mechanism provided to delete the account. Is there anything I can do?

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